Paradox

Life is a paradox. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Nancy C.

What’s a paradox? I am a paradox. I’m a real paradox. Because I am a very serious person and I take my work seriously. But I wrap it all up in a court jester and a clown and make people laugh and make them feel good about themselves. I am a paradox, yes I say. My mind is forever changing. And there are a few things in the world that I am 100% certain of. Sometimes I delete my own posts because I am not the same person I was five minutes ago. I am almost never serious and I am always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I am like a collection of paradoxes.

 I am a paradox in myself. Too good to be true or maybe too different to co-exist. Balancing between the soundscapes of my identity, an amalgamation of various attributes, living and battling inside my body, likely to be lost in between the lines within me, trying to find that harmony within myself. Writer, author and also an unbalanced youthful life. It may never be handled perfectly by anyone else. I am a perfect cocktail hiding behind the identity of a loser. Anyone who knows me knows that I am more of a joker than I am a serious person. But who knows me? I am weird but I am a pretty serious person.

; I am a paradox. I want to be happy but I think of things that make me sad. I want to smile but I prefer to turn that smile upside down. I want to fill the room with my laughter but I constantly do things that makes me cry. When I deserve to cry, I try to laugh harder than I have ever laughed. It is not the emotions of a man that defines him but how well he controls them. I love to be happy when I’m sad and sad when I’m happy. Confused ayyy? I am as well. Because this life I have chosen wasn’t my choice. Still confused? Take a nap. My emotions never define me. I am a being capable of switching between several emotions at a time. Sometimes, when I cry, it’s because I am too happy. And when I laugh, it’s because I have been too sad for a very long time.

I am a paradox. I am lazy, yet very ambitious. Never be fooled by the works of my hands. Or how many hours I spend jabbering with you on Instagram. I am online 90% of the day but I continuously read 20 pages of a book each day and I write one poem as well. People say nothing is impossible but I do nothing everyday. Except that I work, work and work. I don’t like to get up from my bed, it’s my best friend. And it provides me resources to draft a blog post more than my brain. I don’t like to work, infact, I don’t work. I just use my fingers every day to earn money. You like how that works? I don’t have a job but I have a job. I don’t work my ass out but I do work my ass out.

I am a paradox. I don’t like myself but I also love who I am. I don’t like who I came into this world as. Anita? I want someone better. A better Anita. Female? I prefer the other gender. Weak? I want to be stronger. But I also love this version of myself. The version that’s flawed. The greatest paradox of my life simply is that I don’t like myself but I love who I am. Rather, I love who I have become. “Myself” is the version that was put into this world. The version that has never been happy with her life because she feels she is never enough. The version that continuously tries to fit in. I love who I am or who I have become because I have realized that I am completely different. I am extraordinary and extraordinary people don’t fit in. We fit out. I am complex yet simple. Whatever version you see is as a result of what you desire and how much you are willing to see.

I am a paradox. I say I don’t care but I really do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I am faithful yet detached. I am committed, yet relaxed. I love everyone and yet no one. If you doubt me, get on my nerves. I am sociable but also a loner. I am gentle yet tough. I am passionate but can also be platonic. What am I? Ahh! The wittiest shit. The most romantic single. The most common unique. The anger store wrapped in peace. The ill health wrapped in health.

I am a paradox. I am an angel, I am a devil. I am sometimes in between. I am as bad as it can get. And good as it can be. Sometimes I’m a million colours. Sometimes, I am black and white. I am all extremes. Even when I’m being funny, I am deadly serious. Part of my mystery is how I am calm in the storm and anxious in the quiet. Paradoxes are the only truth. Every moment is the paradox of now or never. Life is a paradox. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The whole problem of the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubt.

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Biggest Paradox’s of my life

• I don’t believe in friendship yet, I have several friends.
• I am asthmatic yet an athlete.
• I have been all the way to the moon and back and yet have more problems crossing the street to talk to the new neighbors.
• I long to be with the person I love yet refuse to admit openly.
• I am a writer who barely communicates with proper English because I chose to.
• I have more medicines, yet less healthiness.
• I have a big house but a small family.
• I save money by spending it.
• The more I love someone, the faster I can hate them.
• I don’t trust people yet I can’t be trusted.
• The more you try to impress me, the less impressed I will be.
• The more something scares me, the more I try to do it.
• The less I care about others, the more I care about myself.
• The more connected I get with you, the more isolated I become.
• The more available something is, the less I will want it.
• People think I am perfect because I am honest and transparent about my flaws and faults.
• The more someone tries to keep me closer, the farther away I will push them from my life.

Now that you know that I am a conflicted contradiction. Don’t think I am weird, I am just different from everyone who isn’t different. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has and can. In fact, I am predictable in my own unpredictability. Try to figure me out, you never can. There are so many things I am.

I am the paradox you know.

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