NECESSARY FAILURES

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I know, I know, it seems absurd. Who in their right mind likes failure? Well, I’d like you to think about it, sometimes failure is good, and although some people succeed on the first try, “some people” isn’t everybody. And you’re probably wondering why I write about such a story or what I aim from writing such a story and honestly, nothing. I’ve felt like I’ve lived in one big movie and my life is an insignificant part of it. But right now, i feel like I’m in a better place and space in my life where I’m the main actress.

Firstly, when I mean movie, I don’t mean that my life is overly interesting or I’m like this super popular type of person. I’m boring, an introvert and the worst type of person to piss off. I’m loud with whom I want and anti-social with whomever I don’t want. I love movies, to the point where I think I’m addicted, and sometimes I’m as lazy as you could ever imagine. Yes, so, introduction’s over, now, the deal breaker.

I’d say when all this failure thing started to hit me hard was when I was in primary 3 {3rd grade} where i started to fall from all the glory. I can’t really remember clearly what it felt like to be a truly happy kid back then because the only thing I was so focused on was being better or at per with my siblings. I began to envy them and resent myself with each passing day.

I remember how I would cry myself to sleep or on those very rear occasions wake up with tears in my eyes because I thought myself too incompetent. I even had these silly thoughts about how I wasn’t really born by my mom rather I was secretly adopted because, why in God’s name did I not function like my siblings did. Why wasn’t I so obedient and smart so I could get my parents proud remarks. Well, if little me had thought I was ever going to be happy and content, well I will, but that was going to be the beginning of a very troubled childhood.

I kept on failing in school, to the point that one time after out CA, I thought I could be smart and correct some of my answers after the test was already over. Well, I’d say I got the biggest embarrassment of my life and the most painful beating to top it all off. That incident put a lid on any evil plans my little mind could conjure. I think it wasn’t until the last term of 5th grade before I was about to graduate that the lord decided to give me a fairly nice result as a parting gift.

Then came secondary school, the worst shocker yet. The first term, I get 42nd out of 45 people in class. Writing it now, I’m laughing my ass off. Could you even imagine how dumb I was? Well, it continued that way until I got into the senior class, I also changed schools too. I think it felt nice feeling smart for a change. Getting called on stage because I was smart and actually getting recognized for it. To many, this wasn’t really a great achievement but I was the most proud of myself during those moments.

Right now, I am currently in my second year in the university, studying a course of study I like and happy with what I’ve achieved so far. I still get embarrassed about telling my siblings my exam scores especially the eldest, I mean who wouldn’t, she’s literally the smartest person I’ve ever met, but I realized that she too worked hard for all that she got and achieved, I was being totally unfair to the both of us and it was probably unfair to every other person around, because I’m sure my insecurities made them uncomfortable, instead of working on myself to be a better person and fix my worries, I was wallowing in self-pity and being lazy.

I know that there are some insecurities that can’t be fixed, but to whomever reads this, if it can be fixed, do not despair, rather try to work harder and be happy.

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