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Pain, Again And Again

I regret everything I have done to hurt anyone. Sometimes, I think back on all the people I lost because of my actions, it makes me so sad.  I am so sorry if i have hurt you in any way.

I used to be so happy, sharing special moments with friends and making everyone laugh. 

I used to have a great sense of humor, telling stories to several people for their amusement. 

Then I grew cold, circumstances changed me. My life was crumbling and I was struggling to hold on to myself. I lost everything. Most especially, I lost happiness for a long period. I lost myself. 

Now, I am alone. I feel alone. I have learned to enjoy my company. Maybe because I am scared of losing more than I have lost. 

I have tried several times to convince myself that I am not a terrible person and that the things happening to me are not happening because I deserve them. 

I have been through so much; betrayal, pain, depression, ill health, and loss. I have felt so much for my age. I have dealt with issues bigger than myself. I have struggled with challenges that could swallow an entire person. And I have survived. That’s what keeps me going. 

I am writing this with tears because I woke up this morning feeling like I felt in February. I feel like I am losing it again. I can’t stop crying. I just want peace. I want peace so bad that it hurts. I can’t deny that I am getting tired.

I know that I constantly write to encourage and to let people know they are not alone. Yes, you are not. Even in my current state, I have friends who care for me. I’m just going to try and talk to them. I want you to do the same if you feel this way too. 

I know that someday, I will begin to heal more than I am doing now. I feel, and I pray that I find that peace I am searching for. You will too. 

I have come to realize that once in a while, I will feel like this. I don’t know how often it’s going to happen. I don’t know how long this phase of my life will last but I hope to tell the story of my restoration. Some day, I hope to think about my life and not cry. 

Thank you to everyone who has been here for me. It means so much. I love you all. 

22 thoughts on “Pain, Again And Again

  1. Everybody goes through these things once in a while. I hope you understand that it’s very okay to cry, just let everything out and I promise, you’ll feel better afterwards. Yes, you’re not alone although opening up to friends can be really hard sometimes but the blogging community (speaking for many I guess)is always here to listen.
    You’ll look back at this one day and smile. Understand that it’s a process,a healing process and you’ll get through it and find peace at the end of your journey.
    Even advisors need a break sometimes,be patient with yourself. You’ll be fine.
    Sending love ❤️ and light 💡 your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much A.y
      I have accepted that I will not heal immediately or at once, it would take time and dedication. It would have to revisit some memories and open up some deep wounds to learn to move on. Thank you for always being there for me💖💖. God bless you💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Feel better, Anna. Sad times, frustration, and depression are all a part of life. You’re growing up and getting to know more and more what life is made of.

    There’s something I always say, and it always works for me: It always turns out right in the end.
    Trust me, this has been proven in life over and over again. The present may seem like hell, but comfort yourself with the fact that it always turns out right in the end.

    Jisie ike (take heart). 💝

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Vanessa. Indeed, I am growing to realize that life has more to offer than all we have asked for. A little bit of everything from every side.

      You are quite right! It always turns out right in the end. It may not be what we exactly want but life will someday get better.

      I hope to one day look back at your comment and smile. Sending you love and hugs💖💖💖

      Like

      1. Awwww. I really hope you do! 🥲☺️
        Love and hugs received in good condition. ✔️✔️✔️
        And I wish you the bestest recovery back to the best part of yourself. ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much💖💖. Sometimes, I feel like I am carrying such a huge burden and I am so desperate to let go of it. I feel lucky to have discovered such a good and loving community of writers. Thank you for your kind words💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing!!.. some days are like diamonds, some days are like stone, we all have them…. 🙂
    “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”…( Marilyn Monroe)… 🙂

    Until we meet again…
    May flowers always line your path
    and sunshine light your way,
    May songbirds serenade your
    every step along the way,
    May a rainbow run beside you
    in a sky that’s always blue,
    And may happiness fill your heart
    each day your whole life through.
    (Irish Saying)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “I believe that everything happens for a reason”

      You are so right. Although my experiences have caused a lot of heartaches, It has shaped me to become a better and stronger person. It has caused this burning desire to help others and be better for the world.

      Thank you so much for visiting and sharing such beautiful words with me.💖💖

      Like

  4. SMiLes With All the Stigma Attached to Mental Illness
    in Nigeria And Particularly All the Stigma Attached to
    BorderLine Personality Disorder How Brave of You

    To Share Your Challenges Dear Anita As Even

    A Psychotherapist i Was Seeing For Many Years

    Sort of Cried on my Shoulder After i Recovered my Soul

    How She Just Couldn’t Help Folks With BorderLine Personality

    Disorder And They Were Worth No More of Her Effort As Another

    Psychiatrist i was Seeing Advised The Newly Recovered Empath of

    me to Discard

    Folks With That

    Disorder As They Likely

    Are Beyond my Help Yet It’s

    True For Some of Those Who Don’t Suffer

    They Were Not the Little Small Frail Girl

    Sexually Abused By Her Uncle Who Threatened to Kill

    Her if She Spoke Up to Her Parents And When She As A Child

    Did She only Received Lifelong Physical Abuse From the Males

    In Her Family and Even Her Mother As A Book i Read ‘Into the Light’

    Related This Afternoon While Public Dancing And Listening to Meditative
    Music Yes in Total Flow While Entertaining the StarBucks College Study

    Crowd For Free

    At Barnes and Noble

    Yes To Sort of Return
    The Favor of Reading

    Around 400 Or So Free

    Books A Book A Week in An Hour
    on Sunday Afternoons For the Last 9 Years…

    Most Folks Can Warm Themselves Up With Love When
    They Are Alone Like Hugging A Stuffed Animal Or A Pillow
    For Real as the Oxytocin of Warm and Fuzzy Just Flows Within

    Or the Pet of a Cat or Dog
    The Warmth of FRiEnDSHiP

    The SMiLe of A Family Member

    One May Trust With Total Faith

    Not to Physically And Horribly
    Sexually Abuse them True As the

    Girl in That Story Also Lost Vision
    in One Eye When Bombed Where
    She Lived in Sri Lanka That Way

    i’ve Lived in the Place of Hell

    WHere/With the Worst Pain
    Known to Humankind Then
    Type Two Trigeminal Neuralgia
    Literally Assessed As The Suicide
    Disease And Literally A Pain Assessed
    As Worse Than Crucifixion Like a Dentist Drill
    With No Drug That Would Touch it in the Nerves

    Associated With my Right Eye And Ear Losing
    Effective Use of Eyes and Ears For Any Colors
    or Songs of Life Then Including the Memory
    of A Feeling of A Smile Yes from Wake to Sleep
    For 66 Months No Returning From the Living Dead

    With A Life Threat in Synergy of 18 Other
    Medical Disorders too

    No Point of Return

    Of Pain And Numb

    Yet Melting Away
    RiSing From Ashes

    on July 19th, 2013
    Standing Upon A Beach
    Becoming One With Sugar
    White Sands Sea Oats in the Breeze
    Emerald Green Waves ‘Jonathan Livingston
    Seagull’ Wings RiSinG HiGHeR And HiGHeR
    Still SPiRaLinG Around my Sunshine Within Yes
    Transforming Wings into Dance And Song Free For Real

    True When my Soul Died And i Tried to Pet Our Cat to Feel
    Anything at All The Cat Arthur’s Ears Peeled Back As That Cat

    Was no Fool He Could Sense i Was No Longer Fully Human And

    A Potential Danger to Him True Animals Will Most Definitely Feel

    And Sense a Ghost Wandering the Earth Not Realizing They Are The Living Dead…

    And The Moral of This Story

    Is When All Faith Love

    And Hope Are Gone

    Totally Impossible

    To Feel and Sense Within

    And All That is Left is A Thousand
    Years of One Breath in All TiMe iN HeLL ON EartH
    For Real Now Yes What is Left is That Breath And

    Another Breath

    And Another Breath

    of Hell Until If and When

    Heaven Returns for Real

    Indeed it is Very Difficult For Most
    ‘Every Day Humans’ to WalK iN The Shoes
    Of Real DEViLS iN HeLL ON EartH WHeRE ALL
    Is TiME A Thousand Years in a Second Yes of Hell For Real…

    Particularly When All You Did is Everything Folks Asked of You

    Before You Fell Down

    And Asked Why Me

    As my Mother Said Why Not
    You Yet You See She Also Said

    This too Will Pass i Had Nothing

    Left of Hope Never the Less Her Dream
    Came True for me

    And Of CouRSE

    Mine Did True too

    Out of the DarK mY
    FRiEnD Never Give Up

    As ‘Katy Perry’ Sings After
    A Hurricane A ‘Perfect Storm’ of DarK A Door May

    Open to Heaven For Real Yes A FireworK iNDeed For Real Us…

    As THere is No Real Separation of God Nature For Real Yes DarK Makes LiGHT Real…

    iN All Ways We Come Now To Color Life NeW INHaLinG Peace ExhalinG LoVE iN JoY
    oF LiGHT Giving Caring Sharing Healing In All Respect for ALL With Least Harm For ReaL
    NeW
    ETerNaLLY NoW..:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much💖

      I don’t believe the stigma attached to mental health illness in Nigeria should stop me from speaking and helping people who need help.

      Indeed, borderline personality disorder seems to be the worst personality disorders. However, there is still much that can be done to help people with this disorder. We can still live a normal life and love with all of our hearts. I think our biggest weakness is love. And I hope to share so much of it.

      Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So True Dear Anita it
        Is Often Those Who
        Struggle Most in
        Life Early Who
        Rise
        More
        Later in
        Life Retaining
        Enough Humility
        To Love Those
        Unconditionally
        Who Are
        Behind
        Or
        Fall
        Behind God
        Bless All You
        Do For Real Dear
        FRiEnD With SMiles😇❤️🙏🏝

        Like

  5. I understand, I’m dealing with it again too. Right now, depression is not going away. I pray and I know that the Lord sees and knows what is happening and the comfort is there in His Word. I switched churches a few months ago when those who claimed that they were my friends, stopped having anything to do with my husband and I. That wasn’t the only reason why we left, but it certainly didn’t help matters. I write and I have done all I can to help and encourage others, but right now, I need some help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really do understand you
      I think there’s a lot of emotional imbalance that comes with switching a place of worship. It happened to my family in 2020 and we haven’t still moved on from the effect. But I know you will.
      Most times, people who offer the kindest hugs and sweetest words need more of them. We are often hanging on a thin thread with thousands of emotions over our heads. But I know that there’s always peace at the end.

      I hope that you find the peace and happiness you desire. Don’t try to force people into your life instead, work on establishing a healthy relationship with your husband so that it doesn’t affect your marriage. You will definitely find better people who will stand with you at all times. For now, hold on to Jesus and share more love. He will find you.

      I’m also here if you need to talk to someone.

      Have a great day♥️♥️♥️

      Like

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