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Discovering I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

Before last week, I have never heard about Borderline Personality Disorder or even considered diagnosing myself. But I have been openly talking about my feelings and how I constantly struggle with identifying myself as a person and accepting my personality. I get a lot of questions concerning it and I was prompted to write a post on my website titled “Paradox“.

At the time of publishing that post, I was so confused and uncertain about myself. I was dealing with my constant creation of a distorted self image, then to my irritable mood swings and isolation. 

I was losing interest in everything and everyone I cared about; I stopped doing the things I loved because I suddenly didn’t like doing them anymore. Sometimes, I will write about how sad I felt and how everyone around me was neglecting and ignoring me. To make matters worse, I was withdrawing from the people that really cared about me. 

I have always struggled with my body image even before 10. I have written a post about it as well on my blog. I was emotionally bullied in high school because of the way I looked. And at home, my family would make jokes about it too, laughing and talking about my insecurities. I started to go on diets; eating and consuming high calorie content meals to add weight. In many ways, I was punishing myself and trying to take control of my mind. 

Looking back at my childhood experiences, I remember that I grew up with little support from my parents. I was raised by different nannies, because my mother was a young student and my father lived in another state. The few times my parents were together, they never shared any sweet memories that I can remember. I guess that caused my constant feeling of abandonment.

I will be quoting some lines from my old post “Paradox” and reflecting on them. 

"I am a paradox. I want to be happy but I think of things that make me sad. I want to smile but I prefer to turn that smile upside down. I want to fill the room with my laughter but I constantly do things that makes me cry. When I deserve to cry, I try to laugh harder than I have ever laughed."

My constant mood swings and inability to deal with my emotions have always been a problem for me. I started working on myself in eleventh grade, carefully trying to understand my feelings and why I would lash out for a very minor issue and ignore a major one. I had no control over my emotions. They could switch at any time and sometimes, I knew that I was getting angry for nothing but I couldn’t stop myself. My mother would often say that I am so bitter with myself and I am always walking around filled with rage for everyone.  Whenever I felt deeply troubled, I would write or read a book to distract myself. Books and writing was my therapy. They provided a sense of comfort and support for me, allowing me to escape from the things that haunted me.

"I am a paradox. I say I don’t care but I do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I am faithful yet detached. I am committed, yet relaxed. I love everyone and yet no one."

I am unable to maintain relationships. I am easily attached to people, quick to love and accept them into my heart but also quick to push them away. I would do anything for the people I call my friends but one wrong move and I would shut them out of my life. I had a very minor argument with my best friend and this lasted for three months. I couldn’t take any graduation pictures with her because I was angry with not only her but myself. I also couldn’t see my offense and how to address the issue. I am someone who would talk to you endlessly for three days and never speak to you again. 

I often wonder if the people around me ever considered me to be abnormal or mentally unstable because looking back at my life, I do realize how much help I needed. 


Getting Self Diagnosed

Before you say I need to see a therapist to fully diagnose bpd, I would like you to know that I have been struggling with these feelings I described for years. Borderline personality disorder can be easy or hard to diagnose but in my case, I think it is pretty obvious. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I recently discovered what a borderline personality disorder is. It actually started with a tiktok video. I was online, watching videos on Tiktok by 2:00am in the morning when a video popped up on my fyp. It was a lady talking about the traits and characteristics of someone who has a borderline personality disorder. I was intrigued because I have never heard about such a disorder and the “borderline” really made it seem extreme. While watching the video, I instantly recognized these traits and slowly realized that I had exhibited almost all of them.  

Immediately, I began to make my research. I watched a couple of other videos, read a lot of articles on google before coming to the conclusion that I have borderline personality disorder. 

I cried for several minutes. All my life, I have felt this hole in my heart. Like I was a bottomless pit sucking life out of everyone and filled with nothing but emptiness. Sometimes, I would think I am just a cruel, mean person. A girl who didn’t deserve to be happy and that is why the universe has decided to punish me. I remembered the countless things I did to keep people in my life. The desperate actions I took that only made me look scary and impossible to deal with. I remembered my friends calling me an attention seeking person, but I only needed help. I needed that hole in my heart to be filled. Yes, there is something wrong with me but I now know that I am not cruel or mentally unstable. There is no cure for Borderline Personality Disorder but I can eventually learn how to deal with it and live a better life. 

I reached out to an expert I found on Google and sent an email to her. She replied yesterday and confirmed that I need to seek professional help. But something she said captivated me. 

She said that I have always known that something was wrong with me. And from the way I described my recent activities, she said that I have also started to deal with my bpd by slowly accepting that I cannot please everyone and have decided to be alone. And that is in fact true. 

For the past six months of this year, I have been alone. I suffered severely in February, losing someone I really loved and I lost myself. After he left, I discovered that I had completely changed myself for him. I had changed my likes, dislikes, character and even my taste in music so I could be wanted. This led me to give up on everything. I focused on myself and decided to do the things I loved again. It has been hard especially with the recent developments and my relationship with my mother. This year, I have been struggling a lot with my emotions. I have become my mental therapist, trying so hard to defeat my mind. 

I published my book titled “Let Your Mind Speak” this month as well. It is a book of poetry that is supposed to help those who are struggling with accepting and expressing themselves. I have always known my problems but never really worked hard enough to try to solve them. 

She added that I am in a phase that is really helpful because I am open to deal with my problems. She said that I am working on myself the best way I can and all I need is a good therapist to help me out. I am in that phase of discovering who I am and what I want to do. 

I have always been scared of being alone, but this year, I have been alone. Loving and doing the things I really want to do. It feels good and restorative. 

However, I have also had the most self-sabotaging thoughts and ideas this year. I have acted out of impulse on several occasions, frequently losing control of myself. I still need help and I am so happy to get help. My diagnoses have shown me the steps to take and how to start working on myself. 

I have shared this post because I know there are a lot of people who are struggling with accepting a personality disorder or going through a tough time and need help. You are not alone. I am here. I will continue to share my experience and the steps I am taking to be a better person and live a better life.  And I hope that can help you with your own issues.

If you have also been recently diagnosed with bpd, this is a safe space to encourage people who are scared to confront themselves. 

I know they are going to be good and bad days on this journey of mine but I am ready to work on myself. I know that it will get better someday. I know I deserve to experience internal peace. I know I deserve to be happy. 

Thank you for reading so far. Be kind!

13 thoughts on “Discovering I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. I’m glad you’re willing to get help and you’re willing to share your experiences with others who might be going through the same phase. I think you’re a really good person for doing this and I hope you find peace especially with yourself 💖. Always remember that you’re the best version of You and your friends will stick with you no matter what, that’s why they’re your friends 😊.

    I’m also sure your friends here at WordPress are ever willing to help you if you ever need help. Stay safe and stay happy 💝.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much💖

      I don’t think anyone who is suffering from a personality disorder would not want to get help. I just think most people are scared of the stigma. Also, therapy is not an instant healing process. You have to confront your pains, your past traumas, your fears and this can be really hard for a lot of people.

      I am glad that many people are speaking up and seeking help for their problems. Thank you for being kind and showing support to such people. I am also glad that my article was of great help to you. Thank you for stopping by. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It moved me a lot and gave me hope that I will overcome all of the things I am going through in life including this kind of disorder which I believe I have had since my childhood. Looking forward to reading other writings from you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 💖💖
      I believe that by sharing my experience, I would help others who are unaware or seeking help. I know you will definitely overcome your problems and disorders. All it takes is faith and determination.

      I wish you the best and thank you for stopping by. 🙏🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Good to know that you’ve been trying to regulate your emotions and I hope this article helps anyone who might be suffering a similar disorder. Looking forward to your next article🤝

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Great post and interesting read❤️ I myself is on the path of being diagnosed, it seems to most likely be autism and/or adhd. But I’ve also always dealt with the same things you describe. I have also looked up borderline and I think it’s on my spectrum as well. It’s really interesting to read about someone who experiences what I do too. Best of luck ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really therapeutic when you find people on the path of dealing with similar problems you face. I am happy that you are working towards being diagnosed. It’s really helpful!

      Although I have started working on myself, it’s quite hard and sometimes, I find that I am going back to my old ways. I notice that I am beginning to push people away again and isolate myself. But the good thing is that I am trying hard to deal with this issues. I hope your path would be much more easier than mine.

      Much love from me ♥️♥️

      Liked by 1 person

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